As I send my kids back to school for another year, I can’t help but be reminded of the “politically correct” society in which we now live. Say the wrong thing and you’re liable to be labeled as narrow-minded. Say the right thing but in the wrong way, and you’re still bound to insult somebody, if not an entire demographic group. When I was little, things were pretty simple. People with dark skin were “black.” People with pale skin were “white.” People whose ancestors lived in North America before Europeans arrived were “Indians.” If a kid won a race, then that kid got a ribbon or a medal. If …

A few weeks back, I took my two non-diaper-wearing sons, William and Carson, fishing for the first time. I’m not an accomplished fisherman. Most of the time, when I go on a fishing expedition, I return with little more than a few “the one that got away” stories and a bucket full of worms still grieving the fact that their brave comrades died in vain. Still, I wanted to take my sons fishing. So I loaded up my van and took William and Carson on a “guys’ weekend” to visit my parents in the North Carolina mountains.  After taking a day to travel, we arose on Sunday and drove to a nearby trout …

A few weeks before I turned 16, my father came home and surprised me with the news that every teenage boy longs to hear. "Come with me, son," he said. "I’ve bought you a car." YES! My own car! I couldn't believe it. No more watching every girl I remotely liked climb into an older guy's car and head off for a night of dating fun while I waited in front of the mall arcade to be picked up by one of my parents. Nope, now it was my time. Let the good times roll!A short time later, Dad and I pulled up to a house. It was then that my heart fell to the floorboard. There, in the front yard with a SOLD…

The other day, as I pulled into the drive around dinner time, my children rushed to the car to meet me. They were excited to see Dad and immediately started bombarding me with information. I gave them all hugs and listened with "fascination" as William described how he'd skateboarded down the sidewalk without falling and Emerson shared about the sleepover to which she'd been invited. As my little paparazzi followed me, begging for my attention and expecting me to stop, I slowly kept moving as I said things like, "Really?” “That's wonderful, Buddy" and, "Sounds awesome, Sweetie." Entering the …

Summer has arrived once more. Yes, it’s that much anticipated time of year when we pack up our kids, don our bathing suits, load up more beach paraphernalia than used by the D-Day invasion force, slather ourselves with as much sunscreen as Mommy thinks necessary to prevent any sunlight from actually touching her children's flesh, and head for the nearest beach. Recently, the Howard clan embarked on just such an adventure. Longing to smell the salt air and feel the sand under our feet, Meredith and I piled our kids into the minivan and took off for a week on the South Carolina coast.Of course…

Recently, I was speaking with a distraught single mother. Her dilemma: how to deal with a 10-year-old son who yells at her, speaks disrespectfully, and consistently throws pre-adolescent fits.   “I hope you can help me understand why he is so angry,” she said tearfully. “I know a lot of it probably stems from his dad not being around. But every time I try to talk to him he just stomps off angrily or tells me to leave him alone. What am I doing wrong? How can I help my son?” My heart went out to this well-meaning mother. I pointed out to her, however, that her thought process was misguided. …

With the onset of a new baseball season, many young dads will take their kid to his or her first Braves game. It’s a special occasion. One that I got to enjoy last August with my 5-year-old son, William. I personally chose to take William to a Friday night game.  I wanted no part of Turner Field on an August afternoon. Atlanta summers are brutal. Heck, even Satan won't visit Georgia in the summer time. Charlie Daniels doesn't bother to tell us what month the Devil actually went down to Georgia, but I'll bet a fiddle of gold against your soul that it wasn't in August. When we arrived at the …

Sunday was Mother's Day, a special day on which we deservedly praise moms. After all, it was Mom who'd lie down in our beds at night to make us feel safe after a nightmare. It was Mom who'd pick us up and comfort us after we fell and skinned our knee or scraped our elbow. And, of course, it was Mom who intervened to make sure that Dad didn't kill us when he arrived home from work to discover the car covered in graffiti or find the garage on fire. Who can count the number of times Mom did her best to make a hamburger "just like" the one at McDonald's, only to be met with the thankless weeping …

Have you ever been frustrated by your kids? Do you occasionally catch yourself repeating the same requests, warnings, threats and pleas? Are you now at a place in life where you consider the movie "The Exorcist" an instructional video? Do you spend time at night watching Animal Planet and envying species that eat their own young? Then this article is for you. As moms and dads, we often pound our heads against walls as we attempt to get our kids to pick up their rooms, get dressed in under an hour, stop disrupting the household peace with whining and arguing, or behave in a socially acceptable…

Easter is different when you have small children. Once you become parents, the Easter Bunny, Easter egg hunts, dyed Easter eggs and candy—lots of candy!—all return.Of course, these days, one uses the term Easter egg “hunt” loosely. Most 21st century “hunts” are really just Easter egg pickups. The eggs are just lying there, usually in the middle of a big field, helplessly exposed and waiting to be claimed by snot-nosed little candy-hoarders. Finally, someone yells "go" and all chaos breaks loose! The whole scene resembles a munchkin fight-to-the-death cage match as small children become …

According to the Bible, there was an episode in which the disciples tried to prevent little children from reaching Jesus. The Lord rebuked the disciples, telling them to "let the little children come to me and do not hinder them." Last Sunday, as I sat in church with my wife and kids, it occurred to me why Jesus wasn't afraid to let the little children come. It's because Jesus had the power to cast out demons. I, unfortunately, do not. Thus, unlike the Lord, I find it rather challenging to maintain a spiritual focus and stay close to God while being climbed on, cried to, and screamed at by "…

As a freelance writer, I don't have the security of knowing that an employer is depositing a paycheck every two weeks. I don't make money until jobs are done. Oh, and did I mention that there are no jobs unless I go out and round 'em up? Given that my family has grown accustomed to eating, living in a house, and using electricity on a daily basis, you can imagine how I might occasionally feel tempted to stress over work and finances.A couple of days ago, I experienced just such an anxious moment. I was working from home and desperately trying to pick up the pace on a project so that I could …

I drive a minivan. No, minivans aren’t cool. But when you have five kids, cool is no longer important. What matters is practicality. Minivans might not be sporty, but they get the job done.    My minivan is the Bermuda Triangle of kid stuff. Kid stuff goes in, but it doesn't come out! It's the place where Cheerios and Goldfish go to die. Some are eaten. Most are lost forever in the abyss of my kids’ car seats or beneath the mats of my floorboard. The UN could feed a small village with the Cheerios hidden in the crevices of my van. In fact, there are probably several snack foods that consider …

I never played soccer. In my hometown, we stuck to football, basketball and baseball. If you had asked my friends about Pelé, a few would have known that he was a soccer player. Most thought Pelé was a game played on horseback. Despite my lack of knowledge, however, last season I agreed to coach my son’s soccer team. "How hard could it be?" I thought, "It's 4-year-olds kicking a ball." Well, as it turns out, it was pretty darn hard. It’s not easy trying to manage a bunch of munchkin soccer players whose noses run faster than their feet, especially when they kick at everything that moves (…

When you have small kids, going out to eat becomes a major logistical operation. Buffets become your friend. That’s because buffets mean no waiting. No waiting means less screaming, fewer emotional meltdowns, and less money spent on sedatives to calm your parental nerves during and after dinner. If you're lucky, you can be in and out of the restaurant before your kids ever realize they've missed the opportunity to become a public spectacle.That being said, our family does occasionally attempt to eat at a restaurant where the waiter or waitress actually takes our order. With five small kids, …

A couple of Fridays ago, I had a big date. I enjoyed an evening of dinner and dancing in the company of a beautiful young woman. And she wasn't my wife! No, the young woman I'm speaking of is my 7-year-old daughter, Emerson, and our annual outing to attend the Daddy-Daughter Dance at her school. The evening will always live as a precious memory. Upon arrival, I presented Emerson with a corsage. She smiled and said, "Thank you, Daddy." I told her that I thought she looked beautiful. She replied that wearing a flower on your wrist seemed silly and like it could potentially attract bees. It’s …

Before parenthood, I generally found excrement, mucus, and vomit disgusting. I did my best to avoid touching my own, much less another human being’s. As a parent of five small children, however, I don’t enjoy such a luxury. If I could find a way to harness doo-doo, snot, or drool as alternative fuel sources, I’d make billions just off my kids. When you’re a mom or dad, you have no choice but to parent-up and deal with whatever needs cleaning, sanitizing, or absorbing. Having babies means trading in your weak stomach for a box of wet wipes and a laundry basket full of booger-stained shirts. …

Parenthood is baffling. One minute, your kids say or do something that convinces you they’re angels straight from heaven. The next, they say or do something that makes you envious of species that eat their own young. It’s like being on a rollercoaster—a bruising ride, but worth the price of admission to the park. I have five kids. Yes, FIVE! My daughter is seven. My four boys are ages 5, 3, and 8-month-old twins. Before parenthood, my wife and I used to be intellectuals. We carried on intelligent conversations, had opinions about current events, and interacted socially with other adults. …